Most people who begin to read this, will not finish. The end of this is not the end of the story. The beginning is also not the end. Most people do not know that I have been in utter turmoil for quite some time. It is not the kind of turmoil that can be relieved by a quick remedy, no medicine or therapy will help. The turmoil that is deep within the canyons of my bowels can not be touched by anyone else because they care not to dive into the deep waters that surround. Some say prayer will ease the ache, just cry out for Jesus to help and he will. The Jesus I know never stopped helping, he never left my side. The turmoil is shared. The ache is shared. The pain is shared. The kind of loneliness felt is akin to being stranded in the middle of the ocean being surrounded by sharks in a deflating life raft. No food, no water, no hope. Just the utter feeling of doom surrounding. All the while having the knowledge of how to survive, how to live just a little bit longer with my wits. The annoying part of my journey is that I notice others alone on their own life rafts, being mocked by the sharks, and I help them. "Look up! There's land over there!" "Go for solid ground quick before the sharks get you!" "Hold on, let me swim over to you and push your raft ashore." 'What? Oh, don't worry about the sharks, I will get ripped to pieces to save you." "What? No, Jesus wants me to help you. He told me!" Now that they are back to shore, I am welcomed on shore for a time, thinking that this is it, I finally have something here. Then the very people helped to shore push me back into the shark infested water. And look, there's Jesus out in the life raft, waiting for me..... "I don't understand, Lord. Why are you out here?" "They pushed me out here and never welcomed me back, I have been saving people every day and have rarely been asked to come to their houses for dinner, or to be part of their lives." "Jesus, that sucks! How long will you put up with them? I am so pissed off right now, if I had the power I would smite them all!" Silence. No reply from Jesus, just a sad expression on his face. A shark rubs up against the life raft causing me to sit down in the raft. I look around to see no land, no people needing to be saved, just me and Jesus out in a life raft.

Faith

I don't have much faith. I realized that today after my landlord opted to raise the rent $150 over what we have been paying for the last year. It seems silly to me that I am worried that God will not provide for my family and me. I have never really trusted God with all my heart in these kind of matters, but I really want to begin now. Over the past couple months hours at work have been steadily decreasing and because of that paychecks have also decreased. Fortunately, God has seen fit to provide people to randomly give us money and/or food at just the right time. As much as I praise God for things in the past, I still have a hard time trusting him now. I have been meditating on this issue for the day and have come up with the fact that I have been burned by people so much over my life that I just transition that lack of trust to God. Well, that is not fair to God, he has always been there for me and has never failed me. So, I am trying super hard to trust God and all the things that he has for me. I know his ways are best. As John the Baptist said, "He must increase, and I must decrease." I am trying very hard to keep Jesus as the center of my life and not myself or anyone else. It's sad, my instant reaction when typing this last line was that, because of my good works, God will reward me! What a bunch of hulabaloo! I know God can and will do what he wants when he wants to, but to reward someone for good works is lame. I don't want Jesus to know me by my good works, but to know me by the relationship I have with him and the faith that he has given me. I want Jesus, on that judgment day, to look at me and then the Father and say, "I know Jake and he is my friend. We've been through life together and we love each other. Father, I died for Jake and he truly knows me. He has been washed and purified of any sin by my blood. Father, there is no need to extend your wrath on Jake, he is spotless."

Supposed to do?

I haven't done what I have been called to do in so long I sometimes forget the reason God put me on this earth! I get so wrapped up in life I forget all about the fact that I am to live by faith and not by sight. It is obvious to me that what has happened in my past concerning pastoring was only a foretaste to what is to come. I have only been witness to a little bit of what God is going to use me to do. There is seldom a day that goes by that I do not think of God's promise to me, "I will use your voice for the expansion of my Kingdom." As plain as day I heard God tell me those words. This was a little over 10 years ago!

I have been learning and planning and praying. In my studies I have found the Word of God to be most effective in teaching me to be pliable and willing to move toward Jesus in better relationship. It is obvious to me that reconciliation was made not when I did anything, but rather when Jesus paid it all on the cross and bridged the gap for me and the rest of humanity. The verses that I have been meditating on for the last couple days have come out of the fifth chapter of second Corinthians.

2 Corinthians 5

Our Heavenly Dwelling

¹For we know that if^A)">(A) the tent that is^B)">(B) our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God,^C)">(C) a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. ²For in this tent^D)">(D) we groan, longing to^E)">(E) put on our heavenly dwelling, ³if indeed by putting it on^a]">[a] we may not be found naked. ⁴For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal^F)">(F) may be swallowed up by life. ⁵He who has prepared us for this very thing is God,^G)">(G) who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

⁶So we are always of good courage. We know that^H)">(H) while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, ⁷for^I)">(I) we walk by faith, not^J)">(J) by sight. ⁸Yes, we are of good courage, and we^K)">(K) would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to^L)">(L) please him. ¹⁰For^M)">(M) we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ,^N)">(N) so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

The Ministry of Reconciliation

¹¹Therefore, knowing^O)">(O) the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But^P)">(P) what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. ¹²^Q)">(Q) We are not commending ourselves to you again but^R)">(R) giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. ¹³For if we^S)">(S) are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. ¹⁴For the love of Christ^T)">(T) controls us, because we have concluded this: that^U)">(U) one has died for all, therefore all have died; ¹⁵and he died for all,^V)">(V) that those who live might no longer live for themselves but^W)">(W) for him who for their sake died and was raised.

¹⁶From now on, therefore,^X)">(X) we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. ¹⁷Therefore, if anyone is^Y)">(Y) in Christ, he is^Z)">(Z) a new creation.^b]">[b]^AA)">(AA) The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ¹⁸All this is from God,^AB)">(AB) who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us^AC)">(AC) the ministry of reconciliation; ¹⁹that is, in Christ God was reconciling^c]">[c] the world to himself,^AD)">(AD) not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us^AE)">(AE) the message of reconciliation. ²⁰Therefore,^AF)">(AF) we are ambassadors for Christ,^AG)">(AG) God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. ²¹^AH)">(AH) For our sake he made him to be sin^AI)">(AI) who knew no sin, so that in him we might become^AJ)">(AJ) the righteousness of God.

Footnotes:

1. 2 Corinthians 5:3 Some manuscripts putting it off
2. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Or creature
3. 2 Corinthians 5:19 Or God was in Christ, reconciling

Cross references:

1. 2 Corinthians 5:1 : 2 Pet 1:13, 14
2. 2 Corinthians 5:1 : 2 Corinthians 4:7
3. 2 Corinthians 5:1 : Mark 14:58
4. 2 Corinthians 5:2 : Rom 8:23
5. 2 Corinthians 5:2 : 1 Cor 15:53, 54
6. 2 Corinthians 5:4 : 1 Cor 15:54
7. 2 Corinthians 5:5 : Rom 8:23; 2 Corinthians 1:22
8. 2 Corinthians 5:6 : Heb 11:13, 14
9. 2 Corinthians 5:7 : John 20:29; 2 Corinthians 4:18
10. 2 Corinthians 5:7 : 1 Cor 13:12
11. 2 Corinthians 5:8 : Phil 1:23
12. 2 Corinthians 5:9 : Col 1:10; 1 Thess 4:1
13. 2 Corinthians 5:10 : Matt 25:31, 32; Rom 14:10; Acts 10:42
14. 2 Corinthians 5:10 : Psalm 62:12
15. 2 Corinthians 5:11 : Job 31:23; Acts 9:31; Heb 10:31; Jude 23
16. 2 Corinthians 5:11 : 2 Corinthians 4:2
17. 2 Corinthians 5:12 : 2 Corinthians 3:1
18. 2 Corinthians 5:12 : 2 Corinthians 1:14
19. 2 Corinthians 5:13 : 2 Corinthians 11:1, 16, 17; 12:6, 11
20. 2 Corinthians 5:14 : Acts 18:5
21. 2 Corinthians 5:14 : Rom 5:15
22. 2 Corinthians 5:15 : Rom 6:11, 12; Rom 14:7
23. 2 Corinthians 5:15 : 2 Corinthians 12:10
24. 2 Corinthians 5:16 : Gal 2:6; Phil 3:7, 8; Col 2:11; 1 Tim 5:21
25. 2 Corinthians 5:17 : 2 Corinthians 12:2; Rom 16:7; Gal 1:22
26. 2 Corinthians 5:17 : John 3:3; Rom 6:4
27. 2 Corinthians 5:17 : Isa 43:18, 19; Rev 21:5; Isa 65:17; Eph 2:15; 4:24; Heb 8:13
28. 2 Corinthians 5:18 : Col 1:20; Rom 5:10; 1 John 2:2
29. 2 Corinthians 5:18 : Rom 5:11
30. 2 Corinthians 5:19 : Psalm 32:2; Rom 4:8
31. 2 Corinthians 5:19 : 2 Corinthians 5:18
32. 2 Corinthians 5:20 : Eph 6:20; Mal 2:7; Gal 4:14
33. 2 Corinthians 5:20 : 2 Corinthians 6:1
34. 2 Corinthians 5:21 : Rom 8:3; Gal 3:13; Rom 4:25
35. 2 Corinthians 5:21 : 1 Pet 2:22
36. 2 Corinthians 5:21 : Rom 1:17; 1 Cor 1:30

The reason I posted all those verses is so that there is context to what I am about to say. The footnotes are for further study if you choose. Courtesy of www.biblegateway.com

We are bought and paid for, redeemed and chosen. The believer will be in heaven forever, but what of life on earth? What about the ones that are called to do more than just work a normal job and pass life on by without a care in the world? How about the one's that God has chosen for His work? It seems that this passage eludes to the fact that we are "ambassadors for Christ" (v.20). If we are ambassadors, then we have an important job that can never be accomplished. Imagine, I was you to make fire, but you have no ability to make fire. I want you to produce more skin cells, but you have no idea how to do that. I want you to make the engine in your car work, but you have no idea how to make the engine work anymore than you know how to make fire! But that doesn't stop you from turning the key, or lighting a match, or eating food so your body can replenish itself and make new cells! It is the same with pastoral work. Pastors are chosen by God to bring people that are lost into a relationship with God and make them grow! Impossible! There is no way a person can make someone else have a relationship with God and make them grow, no way. But that doesn't stop us from preaching does it? It is amazing the things Jesus asks, no better yet, tells us to do: ⁷And proclaim as you go, saying,^K)">(K) 'The kingdom of heaven is at hand.' ⁸^L)">(L) Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers,^b]">[b] cast out demons.^M)">(M) You received without paying; give without pay..... ¹⁶^V)">(V) "Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be^W)">(W) wise as serpents and^X)">(X) innocent as doves. ¹⁷Beware of men, for^Y)">(Y) they will deliver you over to courts and flog you^Z)">(Z) in their synagogues, ¹⁸^AA)">(AA) and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake,^AB)">(AB) to bear witness before them and the Gentiles. ¹⁹^AC)">(AC) When^AD)">(AD) they deliver you over,^AE)">(AE) do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for^AF)">(AF) what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. ²⁰^AG)">(AG) For it is not you who speak, but^AH)">(AH) the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. ²¹^AI)">(AI) Brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death, ²²^AJ)">(AJ) and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake.^AK)">(AK) But the one who endures to the end will be saved. ²³When they^AL)">(AL) persecute you in one town,^AM)">(AM) flee to the next, for truly, I say to you, you will not have gone through all the towns of Israel^AN)">(AN) before the Son of Man comes.

Believe it or not Jesus told us to do some amazing things that we are not even doing! The question that comes to my mind is, what will happen to me if I do these things? Will I be put in jail, ridiculed, mocked, beaten, ignored, laughed at, or will anything happen at all? The only real danger comes from keeping my mouth shut: ²⁸And^AS)">(AS) do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him^AT)">(AT) who can destroy both soul and body in hell.^f]">[f]

O Holy Night

Just wanted to pass on the Christmas song that I am most into at this point in time. I had never heard the other verses until we sang them at church last Sunday. The words are Gospel and I love Jesus even more because of this song. Check it out!

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our Friend!
He knows our need—to our weakness is no stranger.
Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!
Christ is the Lord! O praise His name forever!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!

Come on!!

I have been trying my best to listen to God. I have been listening to many preachers on podcasts and on youtube preaching the truth. All of that is awesome and I love that there are so many men willing to preach the Word every week or every time they are called on to do so. My dilemma comes when one brother preaches well and another has criticized him because that person does not like his preaching stye. Drives me up the wall when Christians get hung up on styles and denominational precepts. The fact is, we must major on Jesus Christ and who he is, and who God the Father and God the Holy Spirit are, and we must set aside the fact that one preacher said a word you don't think he should have said to his church while you say another....what difference does it make? People are dying all around us! People are going to HELL and all you care about is semantics and Mary had a little lamb? For the love of God people are dying in their sins! Don't just sit there, get up and do something about it!

But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot. Jeremiah 20:9

Preach the Word of God. Tell people they are going to die and go to hell. Tell them they can live forever with Jesus in heaven if they only repent, turn from their wicked ways and follow Christ. They shall be born again and have new life. Life that is full. Life that means something.

All will be judged according to their deeds: ²⁷Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment Hebrews 9:27

Jesus and Saul

I was listening to the Gospel of John and the Acts of the Apostles today and could not help wondering why the disciples and all of the people that were around Jesus and Saul (later called Paul) were so blatantly ignorant of the truth when it was right in their faces? I believe I heard Jesus say about 5 different times that he was the Christ and that he was God and that if they do not follow him, they will die! Or how many times did Paul get up before the Sanhedrin and tell the story of the Jews through their patriarchs and prophets, etc, all the way up through David's line to produce Jesus Christ? I was getting frustrated listening to the repetition, over and over again! Then I hear Paul say, "Fine, if you don't want to listen, then I will take the Gospel to the Gentiles!" Amen! How real is this issue today? We talk and talk until we are blue in the face and no one wants to listen. Fine, if you don't want God's grace and mercy through Jesus Christ, then you will be judged by Moses and the Law. I don't know about you but I want mercy, all I can get!

In my 31 years on this earth and 12 years following Jesus whole-heartedly, I have found that following Jesus is the hardest thing any person on this earth can do. I literally fail everyday to earn any place near my Savior because of my blatant turmoil of sin. There is barely a minute that goes by that temptation is not at my door knocking. Sometimes I turn my head, other times I dive right in. I guess Paul had it right when he called himself a wretched man. Jesus said that apart from Him we would have no place in his Kingdom, no one comes to the Father except through me, and I draw all men to myself. Praise Jesus for his sacrifice, as painful as his walk must have been, I thank him that he was not all talk.

Every day I long for a closer love with Jesus, I see that I am less worthy with every step I take toward him. I see my sin and tremble at the thought of Jesus seeing them too. I hate the sin that I have in my life and I do not live in guilt, but I live in a state of constant depravity. When I see one thing I do not want to do, then I turn my head and see another thing I do not want to do. This world has nothing for me!

No real calling

I was thinking today that I have no real calling to do anything with my life. Everyone feels drawn to this or that, I feel drawn to go to sleep in my bed or drawn to eat at McDonald's. In this life it feels as if I have had passion for youth ministry for most of my adult life, but now days I feel completely drained of my passion to serve in any church on any staff of pastors. Some may ask why I feel the way I do. Well I think the answer is very simple, I don't like the way the church treats its people and the ones who serve as clergy do not always have the best intentions of the people in mind. Therefore, I cannot believe that the people "called" to be pastors and leaders of churches are all Godly people. Is someone who exorts their own agendas above that of God a true follower of God? Possibly that person has some sin issues to work out in their own life, but when more than one leader is in that predicament, then there are some serious issues that must be worked out. It is my understanding of the Bible that brings me to the conclusion about these certain people in leadership positions, that they should get their own house in order before they start working in God's house.

But then again, who am I to judge these men? Am I God? No, I am merely a man who has no calling and can make no decisions about his own path except to follow God and hope that one day he will be merciful enough to grant an answer to my prayers as to what to do with my life.

As I was listening to 1 and 2 Kings today I heard several times the speaker say as he was reading, "and God answered his prayer." How I longed for God to answer my prayers. Just one little prayer, let me hear your words!

Tomorrow I have to speak on friendship for HS YG. I get 10 whole minutes to talk about something I have rarely ever had in my 31 years on this earth. As I listened to the story of Jonathan and David today I thought that they had a good friendship, but what made it great? You never heard about them hanging out, going to football games together, hunting, or even fighting with each other. All I ever saw in their stories is that Jonathan saved David's butt a couple times from his demon-possessed father. So what makes a good friend? I have seen people who were BFF one week to bitter enemies the next. In my own life, I have been as loyal as a dog to all of my friends. But every single one of them has abandoned me for someone or something else. Why? Maybe it is me, maybe I am a freak, but at least I was always there when they needed me.

So tomorrow I talk about friendship and I have no friends, so that should be great!

The question remains, What should I do with my life? What is my calling?